GaGu is not one to compete with his loyal readers, but the immaculate green plateau of Guru Acres is no doubt better tended than yours and, of course, far larger. That’s just a fact. Guru’s combined tactics of bribery and coercion mean that his children are often out pushing the mower, but on certain Sundays GaGu hops upon his immensely fun Toro ZS500 Timecutter (£4,199).
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It does not, you’ll be disappointed to learn, slice time itself – the subtitle refers to a quick mow – but it does cut hard with a 726cc V-Twin engine, spraying mulched grass as you hoon around your estate at 7mph doing zerodegree pivot turns. There’s even a hosepipe port for cleaning it out when you’re done.
A more realistic option for the average wallet is the Mountfield 827M Compact Lawn Rider (around £1,300) which is also no slouch, offering six cutting lengths, five gears and a compact blade width for tight grassy passages.
If your lawn isn’t as huge as you say, opt for a robot. Automowers aren’t cheap – the low-end Robomow will run you £499, and you’ll want something a bit more than that. Limited battery power means they could take a few recharges before they’ll cover the lot, and folks who let their dogs use the garden as a toilet should exercise caution. For big power, coverage of up to half an acre on a charge, and a nice colour scheme, John Deere’s Tango E5 (£2,150) is worth a shot, as is T3’s top pick, Robomow RS 635 (from £2,199).