For some people July 7 is better than Christmas: it’s World Chocolate Day. It marks the anniversary of chocolate’s arrival in Europe - 467 years ago, fact fans - and it’s in no way a marketing exercise that’s designed to boost chocolate consumption during the warmer months. Oh no.
If you’re going to celebrate World Chocolate Day - and its US counterpart, which hits on 13 September - you might just hit the shops and come back with your favourite chocolate bars. But if you fancy something more interesting, expensive and flat-out frightening that’s made of the milky stuff, here are some of the weirdest things you can buy.
If you thought a Kinder Surprise was a bit out-there, wait until you see number 10.
You’ve got to admire the versimilitude here: rather than a representation of a skull this life-size human skull is taken from a mould of a real skull, and it’s available in three tasty flavours of Belgian chocolate: milk chocolate, chilli chocolate or dark chocolate. The latter two options are suitable for vegans who obviously won’t find it weird eating a replica human head. Each skull is handmade and then dusted in cocoa powder, and it’s edible for up to six months if you keep it in a cool and dry area. As a work of art it lasts even longer: the makers have an early one that they keep in a glass box as a decoration.
You’ve heard of saying it with flowers. Why not try saying it with a penis instead? For less than £27 you can make a perfect chocolate replica of your or somebody else’s penis, which you can then send to an elderly relative or offer as a prize for the local school fundraiser. Or you could do what the packaging suggests and use it as a sex toy in the privacy of your own home, which is much less likely to land you on the front page of the local newspaper. Just don’t let the dog get it - not just because that would be really weird, but because chocolate isn’t good for dogs. Oh, and good news for the ladies: you can get a version to make a perfect choccy copy of your bits too. What a time to be alive!
You’ve got to love the scamps at Firebox: they describe this genuine, life-size, working chocolate teapot as “More useful than an ashtray on a motorbike, a waterproof teabag, a glass hammer or mudflaps on a tortoise.” The teapot is handmade in Britain from 58% cocoa solids dark chocolate, and it holds 600g of water. It’s a teapot rather than a kettle, because that would just be silly, and of course it’s not designed for long term use. It’s fun, though: pour in hot water, stir in some cocoa powder and you’ve got a chocolate drink from a chocolate teapot, or a perfect fondue for your favourite fruits. And when you’re done, just empty it and eat it.
Do you find that travel is more arduous than exciting these days? Is the fun of flying starting to wear off? Do you miss the unpredictability of air travel? Then you need one of these: it’s an accurate model of the Beretta M9 pistol and its accompanying bullets and bullet clips. Imagine the laughs you’ll have when security spots the gun in your carry-on luggage, only to discover it’s made of chocolate! “Ha ha security - fooled you!” you’ll say. “Ha ha! You did!” they’ll reply. “The joke is on us!” They’ll find it all very funny, as will your fellow passengers as you wave the gun around mid-flight before putting it in your own mouth. There is absolutely no way that this can possibly go wrong in any way whatsoever.
We know what you’re thinking. If only there was a way of combining your love of chocolate with your love of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un and his zany ways. Good news! The same giant brains that brought us the chocolate Beretta have created this fantastic themed gift set, its nine pieces of high quality chocolate containing interesting facts about North Korea and Kim Jong-un. Chomp as you discover that he was caught with a bondage magazine during his schooling in Switzerland! Munch as you ponder the wisdom of basing your calendar not on the birth of Jesus, but of Kim Il-Sung! Wonder why you’ve just paid £8.95 for something quite pointless!
In Italy, McDonalds’ customers don’t just have the usual burgers and wraps to choose from. They also get the Sweety Con Nutella, which is a burger that swaps the burger bit for Nutella chocolate spread. As the marketing blurb puts it, it’s “an exclusive novelty to try at any time of the day. A soft sandwich filled with creamy nutella you will not be able to withstand.” We think Google Translate mistook “resist” for “withstand”, but then again if you consider the calories… if you don’t happen to be in Italy right now, a kilo of Nutella is currently £8.90 on Amazon and you’ll find burger buns in your corner shop.
Imagine the scene: you put out a plate of sprouts for your children, but there’s a twist. They’re not sprouts! They’re chocolate made to look like sprouts! This sounds like a bit of child cruelty gone wrong: if it were up to us we’d disguise Brussels sprouts as chocolate and watch our kids’ faces as they discover the sulphurous treats inside their sweets. And we’re not the only people doing bad things with chocolate in food: people in Philadelphia have been selling chocolate onions since the 1980s. No, not chocolate shaped like onions. Chocolate covered onions. Apparently the taste is rather like the taste you’d get if you ate a Wispa and a raw onion at the same time.
Motor City madman and famed rocker Ted Nugent is notorious for his wild, meat-eating ways: he once boasted of killing 455 pigs with a helicopter-mounted machine gun in order to feed the needy in his state. So what better joke to play on him than to offer him a breakfast fry-up of bacon and egg on toast, only for him to discover that it’s all made of namby-pamby girly chocolate? He’d probably get a few songs out of it, which you could feel proud about when you finally got out of hospital. To be frank we’re not quite sure of the reason for this product’s existence: surely the point is to make lovely, lovely chocolate look like something that tastes much worse? You can’t do that with bacon. Mmmm, bacon.
New York’s Fika is a famous coffee shop whose reputation is largely based on the talents of master chocolatier Håkan Martensson. To supplement the usual range of beautiful and tasty handmade creations, Martensson likes to try more ambitious projects too - such as his incredible Chocolate Yoda, which could be yours for just four and a half thousand dollars. It’s one of several incredibly detailed models that he’s made from his favoured medium, and he clearly likes the fantasy genre: his work includes fantastic beasts, terrifying skulls, imposing dragons and other amazing creations, although he no doubt tones down the death stuff when he’s doing his chocolate thing at events and weddings. Very talented, he is. Mmmmm.
Sadly Firebox no longer sells the Lionel Richie Chocolate Head but at least there’s this, the Edible Anus: a “present from the heart of your bottom”. For your money you get, ahem, three “gourmet chocolate sphincters” and a somewhat unbelievable backstory. Firebox’s copywriter has clearly had a right laugh describing the product, which is “sort-of like a Hershey’s kiss, only it’s an anus”, a “tongue in cheek gift” and a “perfectly formed British anus”. As happy customer Sean puts it, “Chocolate bums always a treat” - while Victoria nots that the anuses “Look like bottom holes!” But we’ll leave the last words to another customer, Ashley, who points out that it “tastes better than the real thing.”
