So that is the iPhone 10 / iPhone X (£999 to £1,149): a very attractive phone self-consciously aimed at the 'afflurational' (affluent/inspirational) crowd, early adopters and lovers of emjoi… and the iPhone 8 (from £699) and 8 Plus (from £799): the iPhone 7 models with everything sped up a bit and a better camera.
As the dust clears, we can draw one early conclusion: Apple is now an 'unaffordable premium' brand as well as doing the 'affordable premium' thing that made it the world's most highly valued company.
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That's the end of the show. The recap starts here.
You join us here as Apple showcases its ultra-high-end new £1,149 (256GB) or £999 (64GB) phone via repeated use on the supporting video of a talking emoji turd.
Apple iPhone X
"Setting the path of tech for the next decade," no less. Out November 3.
iPhone 10 (or X, if you speak Latin. Perhaps you're Jacob Rees Mogg. In which case, sorry about that.) This is the most advanced thing ever because you can unlock it with your face and the emoji are animated. Sigh.
Still, it is undeniably a handsome thing. Made of 'the most durable glass ever' it has a surgical steel (like a premium watch) band wrapped around it. It is "Water and dust resistant at a microscopic level," whatever that means, and comes in Space Grey or Silver. But no Very Very Black unless that turns out to be 'one last thing and this time we really mean it'.
It's the usual iPhone DNA, pumped up to be more luxe in every way.
What's interesting here is that the 'True Depth' camera array with dual 12-meg sensors and f1.8 and f2.4 (wide angle) apertures. It seems very advanced, yet is mainly utilised in this presentation at least, for quite stupid things, such as tracking your face in order to animate an emoji. Woo!
Probably the most advanced features are the front camera, which allows the best selfies ever on an iPhone, and the fact that battery life has actually gone up by 2 hours compared to the iPhone 7.
It's wireless charging too, via the Chi standard like the iPhone 8 (scroll down).
They're doing an AirPower charging mat so you can charge your iPhone, Watch 3 and AirPods ('in the new wireless charging case'). That's arriving next year.
A Super Retina OLED display is unfurled here. Supports Dolby Vision and HDR10. I don't think they mentioned pixels but presumably it's 4K.
Again, we've all seen the pics. There's no benefit to being a journalist these days.
With the home button gone, you can now swipe up from the bottom to multi-task or activate Siri vocally or via a 'larger side button'.
The crowd here, to be honest does not seem to give two hoots about any of this. Very flat crowd.
Okay, they mustered some woots for Face ID - unlocking by recognising your face rather than your fingerprint.
The technology involved here - 'multiple neural networks' and all that - seems impressive. It does make you think of the story about NASA spending billions on a pen that will work in zero gravity and the Russians using a pencil.
It can recognise your face even if you wear a big hat, and will discount someone wearing makeup to resemble your face. Only one in a million people could unlock your iPhone X with their face, compared to one in 50,000 who might try to unlock your phone using a fingerprint, via Touch ID.
If this doesn't work instantly when you want it and not when you accidentally look at it, Face ID will be most annoying.
So in summary: the last one but a bit better and now charges wirelessly
Here are some pictures to cover the magnitude of what was just unveiled.
iOS 11 is October 11.
I am now pounding the RIDICULOUS CLAIM KLAXON. Wireless charging is cool and Apple now supports it. That's why the casing is 'glass front and back', Phil Schiller says.
They're using the Chi standard. So that's pretty open source for Apple. Mophie and Belkin get a specific name check for some reason.
This is also a big part of the new iPhone, with the camera, processor and underlying software facilitating augmented reality.
Fleetingly brief demos on this one on the whole but The Machines gets a full run out. It's not entirely convincing - there's nothing intrinsically AR about it that I can discern, you just have to move around in real life to position your camera view in the game. It's not graphics overlaid on the real world, which has previously been the general understanding of AR.
Next aap: IPHONE 8! And IPHONE 8 PLUS!
Glass front and back in aerospace grade aluminum (sic) in a precise hue. Laser-welded… durable… copper… sealed for water and dust resistance… Mmmmmmm YEAH!
The speaker is louder and bassier. People who use the bus now going "Wow yeah, thanks". New processor A11 Bionic has cores that are 70% faster than those in the A10 woth 3x faster GPU in the first of its kind to be made by Apple, after it dumped its GPU provider.
The 12-meg camera promises '83% more light', 'better colour saturation/wide colour gamut' faster focussing and there is 'multi-band noise reduction', whatever that means. The Plus has a dual lens setup.
The 'killer' feature here is Portrait Lighting on 8+. It uses machine learning to separate the subject from the background then apply lighting 'effects' to the person's face. And it can also be applied retrospectively.
Also on board "The highest quality video capture on a phone ever". Okay.
It splits the frame into millions of 'tiles' that are individually analysed and optimised. The frame rate has been doubled on slow-mo.
"No device has had the impact that iPhone has in the history of the world ever," says Tim. To be fair, that is true. At least if you change to "iPhone and all its many, less expensive successors made by other brands."
Retinaa displaay… Innovaation. I love how Tim talks. He has also learned to wear a cardigan over his bad shirts, immediately improving his look 500%. Think he's been working out too.
Tim has heeerge neeews about iPhone. (VIDEO PLAYS)
YES! Phil Schiller.
Apple TV 4K, bitches!
They're again playing up the 'casual gaming' on Apple TV 4K. But now it's graphically better with A10X processing and Metal 2 graphical flanging.
Up to 8 players can now enjoy what, to be honest, looks like an arse-achingly dull game, in which you don't get to shoot things. Tim likes it, the big snowflake.
Siri search of the last-gen Apple TV has improved the TV experience, Tim asserts. Hmm.
Now, it's time for a new 'inflection point' after colour, HD, Teletext and whatnot, And that is 4K, obvs. And HDR (HDR10 and Dolby Vision)
There's a load of new sports and smaller channel support that will NEVER come to the UK, so our British readers, look away now.
There's nothing incredibly exciting about this. But it is nice.
Apple Watch Series 3, people!
Well, that looks a lot like Series 2 to me. But it's out September 22 and there is 'cellulaar' (4G) built in as well as GPS, altimeter for $399. You can 'be reached when needed whilst staying in the moment', with phone calls via your iPhone number.
Or you can buy the non-cellular one and it's cheaper at $329. Series 1 will remain on sale at a knock down $249. Series 2 ist kaputt.
UK pricing will be $ to £ IF YOU ARE LUCKY. Thanks Brexit voters!
This will be a big hit.
You can also stream 40 million songs via your wrist thanks to Apple Music. Not all at once.
Siri can talk back to you now.
Tech geeks, feast on this: there's an 'electronic SIM' and the aerial IS the screen. The Watch 3 case is hence the same girth as the 2. No, it's thicker by the width of 2 sheets of paper. Pfffffftht.
Jeff is wearing very dull clothes but while he has arguably been overdoing his diet, he is in good shape for a man his age. He's now calling Deirdre from the Watch, and she is paddle boarding. That's not really a significant detail, you might think, but she is actually responding via her own Watch 3.
So basically, Star Trek communicator. Or Blake's 7 if you're British and old.
YES YES! New Hermès straps! And some other straps.
Oh great, an advert.
APPLE WATCHOS 4, PEOPLE!
APPLE WATCH HAAS EXPAARIAANCED fantastic growth, Tim says. It is now literally the number one watch in the world. 97% of users love it, and they write to Tim to tell him so.
I am just going to say, the watch industry is not really based on sales of any one particular model so I am applying the OUTRAGEOUS CLAIM KLAXON here.
A short video of happy Watch users reading letters from other happy Watch users follows. One mentions being obsessed with closing their rings every day. Well, aren't we all?
Users report everything from overcoming depression to losing their 'dad bod' to dodging death thanks to a heads up about an undiagnosed medical condition.
What's wrong with a dad bod?!
The Apple Watch heartrate monitor is undeniably excellent. Now, it'll give more information including all-day HR (boring), resting HR (boring) and recovery HR (actually useful).
When Apple Watch detects an elevated pulse when you're not active, it will now notify you. Likewise for arrhythmia.
This is going to mean two things: helping diagnose underlying health issues, and sending a human horde of the worried well to over-stretched GP services. So, swings and roundabouts.
There will totally be incraadible praaducts, but for now here's Angela to talk about retail and Apple Stores.
No, 'Apple Town Squares'. Sorry.
People, soul, humanise, amazing, commitment, design, simple, beautiful…
Apple product launch BINGO!
Oh she accidentally said 'cervix'. Well, womb can say they haven't made the odd mispronunication?
Apple is developing its retail/education interface with in-store – sorry, in-town-square - lessons in coding, photography and so forth. Customers love the role Apple retail is playing in their community.
18:03 Tim Cook comes on after a voice over from Steve Jobs, in the new Steve Jobs theater. It's easy to be cynical about building a personality cult around the late Apple CEO but Cook is genuinely choked up.
He then moves on to the recent weather disasters across the Carribbean and Florida.
I've got to be honest, Tim is dressed in a quite non shitty way, in clothing that largely fits and doesn't colour clash. He obviously read my live blog last year and knew it was time to SHAPE UP.
I'm just typing to amuse myself at this point, as Tim witters on about his new big shed.
That was anticlimactic.
Well, now is the time to take a leak. It may be your last chance for a while.
You know, people have a lot of negative things to say about the world right now, but Apple says, "Love is all you need". That's nice.
WE ARE LIVE WITH ONE HOUR TO GO. T MINUS 1 MINUTE. ALL SYSTEMS NORMAL.
As Donald Trump would say, what a turnout! What a crowd! Definitely bigger than Obama would have got! Soundtrack so far: Gorillaz and The Beatles. Ooh, edgy.
Okay, this image was taken a while ago as people first started filtering in, all going, "Mmm, nice campus." By the time Tim Cook arrives, it will be HEAVING.
TIM COOK IS IN A CAB TO THE EVENT.
The Apple HQ looks, as you'd expect, like a very airy train station or shopping mall, only with no shops or trains, a bit like something built for an Expo or Olympics and soon to return to tumbleweed and heavily armed drifters.
From the outside it is like a UFO or the most expensive episode of Grand Designs ever.
Today, during the event, I will be deploying a Klaxon every time someone from Apple makes a really outrageous or inadvertently amusing claim. I'll also be rating peoples wardrobe choices, until the torrent of facts and new releases means I lose the will to do that and have to just concentrate on typing specs and features while bellowing at my underlings to "CROP ME A 16:9 IMAGE OF THAT NEW APPLE BOAT NOW! AND BRING ME MORE LIEBFRAUMILCH I AM THIRSTY!"
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ACTUALLY, oops sorry, actually, when I said just now that all systems were normal, I was lying. Our CMS went down, perhaps due to the Russians, or one of our low-rent, so-called rivals. Or perhaps Apple itself… Who knows?
Thankfully, it's now back up and running agai----
Earlier today: mmm, X-pectation
Incredible scenes as you join us here at the Steve Jobs Theatre in Cupertino, the town that nobody knows anything about, other than that Apple is based there.
It's now 7am in California and most likely Apple Radio DJ and frequent provider of Apple event 'entertainment' Zane Lowe is flipping through his records ready to delight the crowd with some music for slightly ageing hipsters.
Ooh, mama, hit me with those groovy hit sounds by Drake, OK Go, Ke$ha and, I dunno, LCD Soundsystem or something.
We're counting down the minutes till 6pm, when the event will fire up with Tim Cook in dad jeans and a slightly-too-big shirt in a pastel shade, will mount the stage and bring the real in no uncertain terms.
The big Apple event for 2017 is rocking and rolling TODAY (Tuesday 12 September) with the action underway at 6pm BST, 10am Pacific Time, or 1pm on the east coast of the States. It's the iPhone's tenth anniversary and the first event to be held at the Steve Jobs Theatre, within Apple's brand new HQ in picturesque Cupertino, California, the USA, North America.
Even earlier today: Mic check!
You can cut the atmosphere with a knife at the Steve Jobs Theatre (or 'Thee-ate-er', if you're American). That's despite it being 2am in the morning.
Large queues of the type of people who still turn up outside Carphone Warehouse when a new iPhone launches stretch down Sunset Boulevard to Hollywood, with volunteers dressed as apples handing out free Starbucks, and Katie Melua and Pharrell Williams sing to keep the crowd's spirits up.
No, okay, I just made all that up. Bookmark this page and come back at 6pm BST, 10am PST, or 1pm EST. Tell all your friends to bookmark it too. I don't wanna be talking to my damn self here.
iPhone X and iPhone 8
Your choice this year, ladies and gents: a bezel-free, OLED, glass-heavy iPhone X (as in the Roman for 10 and also a nod to Apple heritage product, OS X) or the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus – or perhaps the 7S and 7S Plus; we shall see – which will be more like the current generation of iPhones, but a bit better.
Chances are they'll all have facial recognition to unlock, wireless charging, lots of augmented reality stuff and be a bit faster and better than last year's models. The X is tipped to be the first mainstream smartphone to cost over $1,000.
Other Apple Event announcements
If three iPhones aren't enough for you, try the the Apple Watch Series 3, with 4G so you can connect to mobile networks independently of your phone.
Also sure to be making an appearance today is the long-awaited Apple TV 4K, replete with UHD, HDR10 and Dolby Vision.
Finally, we know we'll get an iOS 11 release date and we should know when macOS High Sierra is with us, too. But will we hear more about iMac Pro or even Mac Pro? And how about the iTunes Store becoming a 4K-toting, instant-streaming, subscription-based Netflix rival? We will jolly well see, won't we?
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