Stop what you're doing and read this: i.con Sex Tracker will rate your 'performance' during 'sessions' and inform you of your 'girth'

Speed of thrust, duration of bonk and 'positions used' (beta) are all supposedly tracked by this high-tech Phallic Phitbit

I.con, the world's first 'smart condom' is exactly like a fitness tracker, except that you wear it on your penis, and it tells you if you are good at sex.

The i.con is the brain-lovechild of British Condoms, which is a website that sells condoms. 

Now, the first thing that leaps out at me, as a man of the world, is that the 'world's first smart condom' is not a condom. So that's a bit of a basic marketing failure. 

It's what those 'in the know' would call a cock ring, but presumably British Condoms thought that calling it 'the world's first smart cock ring' would lead to less media interest.

Anyway, here is the blurb from the website: "Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?"

So the idea is you put on an actual condom, pull the i.con down to the base of your old fella, at which point a "nano-chip and sensors" will track the following essential metrics.

  • Calories burnt during sexual intercourse!
  • Number, Speed and Average velocity of 'thrusts'!
  • Frequency and total duration of 'sessions'!
  • 'Girth' measurement!
  • Different positions used (currently BETA testing)!
  • Average skin temperature!

If i.con was a real product, rather than a mildly amusing marketing ploy, you could then presumably compare your 'performance' with other i.con users worldwide and compete in 'shag off' contests to see who can do the most 'thrusts' in a week.

You could also, perhaps, send friendly taunts to your online banging rivals, via i.con's social channels ('Facebonk', presumably), or use instant messaging to send encouragement during their 'sessions'. 

The i.con boasts '6-8 hours' of battery life, but surely that's 5 hours, 59 minutes to 7 hours 59 minutes more than most men will ever need? It recharges via micro USB – how Freudian. And don't worry; if you can't get the USB charger in first time, you can try again in 15 minutes or so.

Surprisingly, British Condoms has not decided to price this at £69 – the most hilarious of all prices – instead, it's £59.99. But you can't actually buy it yet, almost as if it doesn't really exist. You can 'register your interest', though. 

Duncan has been writing about tech for almost 15 years, during which time he has attended every event going, apart from Apple ones, as he mysteriously doesn't get invited to them. He has covered everything from smartphones to headphones, TV to AC and air fryers to the movies of James Bond and obscure anime. 

Duncan's current brief is everything to do with the home and kitchen, which is good because he is an excellent cook, if he says so himself. He also covers cycling and ebikes – like over-using italics, this is another passion of his. Duncan also edits T3's golf section because fuck it, someone has to. Dave Usher does all the real work on that bit, though. In his long and varied lifestyle-tech career he is one of the few people to have been a fitness editor despite being unfit and a cars editor for not one but two websites, despite being unable to drive. He also has about 400 vacuum cleaners, and is possibly the UK's leading expert on cordless vacuum cleaners, despite being decidedly messy.

Before T3, Duncan was a music and film reviewer, worked for a magazine about gambling that employed a surprisingly large number of convicted criminals, and then a magazine called Bizarre that was essentially Reddit before the invention of Reddit. There was a lengthy period where he essentially wrote all of T3 magazine every month for about 3 years. 

A broadcaster, raconteur and public speaker, Duncan used to be on telly loads, but an unfortunate incident put a stop to that, so he now largely contents himself with telling people, "I used to be on the TV, you know."