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T3 Ten: 10 things we HATE about Apple

Posted by Duncan Bell on Thu 3 Jul 2008

The polo-necks, the smuggery, the price, Bono, Apple TV... need we go on?

1. The smugness

Apple rips you off, dicks you around, releases products as virtual public betas, and has the worst customer service department in the known universe. Okay, everyone does that these days - tech products are now so complex, it's virtually inevitable - but Apple do it with the air of Moses returning from the mount with a new batch of tablets.

 

2. Apple Stores

Like airport departure lounges, they're cavernous, soulless and full of bored-looking tourists. They are staffed by "geniuses" who know nothing.

 

3. The first one's always rubbish

From the iMac to the iPod to the MacBook Air, there's always some clanging design flaw in every new product Apple brings out. Sure by generation four, it'll be sorted, but in the meantime you're left with a product with no removable storage, a battery that dies in five minutes and a software flaw that means it doesn't work on Tuesdays.

 

4. The prices

Nobody minds paying a bit over the odds for a premium product, and some iPods are now perilously close to being good value. However, the prices of Apple's computers and, for some reason, the iPod Touch, remain quite mad. Worse, the days when Apple was synonymous with rock-solid build quality are long gone. Our original iMac is still going strong, 8GB hard drive 'n' all. Our last one packed up after just over a 18 months with terminal hard drive and logic board failure.

 

5. Apple TV

A device that allows you to watch video in your front room. Cheers.

 

6. The "keynote speeches"

2,000 hyped-up uber-nerds whooping like they've just won the lottery, just because Ocelot, or whatever the new Apple OS is called, now makes a slightly more booming "bong" sound when fired up. Apple's product launches are like a Nuremberg rally on dress-down Friday.

 

7. The iTunes Store

DRM? 128Kbps tunes at 79p a track? Constant promotions for dreary, middle-of-the-road toss like Katie Melua? We'll stick to Emusic and illegal file sharing, thanks.

 

8. The adverts

Not the ones with Mitchell and Webb. They're great. No, we mean the ones with "cool" silhouettes dancing to "cool" music by whatever "cool" band (or Bono) Apple has oh-so-easily convinced to whore themselves this month. Ironically, they're usually really bassy, dancey tunes. Have you ever tried getting bass out of an iPod, especially via Apple's earphones?

 

 

9. Steve Jobs

And his stupid voice, stupid hair, stupid clothes and stupid, unfunny jokes.

 

10. People who like Apple products

Middle of the road bores who've convinced themselves they're edgy. Passive aggressive twerps who go on Apple's own message boards to defend Apple's products from customers with legitimate grievances, saying things like "You're not using it properly" and "You haven't repaired permissions". Beaming evangelists with hyena smiles and thousand-yard stares. Empty men with empty lives.

 

Well there you have it, now we've vented we're ready to rejoin Jobs and co in holy matrimony. Check out our 10 things we love about Apple