Guru, how can I keep my face smooth?
Shaving is serious business. Dealing with Guru's unruly bristles takes a legendary Turkish barber, an unfeasibly sharp straight-edge razor and nerves of steel from all involved. While modern trust issues mean this isn't a route many will be willing to take, it's the finest way to get the cleanest shave. If you're really worried about getting your throat cut, bribery goes a long way.
Since GaGu presumes you're doing your own chin-gardening here, let's de-fuzz that face in stages. First you'll need to chop your follicle forest down to a manageable height using a quality electric razor – the BaByliss i-stubble + (£45) is perfect. With a contourfollowing head featuring electronic height adjustment from 0.4mm to 5mm, your chin nest can land anywhere from Clooney to Edmonds in minutes.
Now for some wet work. A clean, burn-free shave requires four things: exfoliation, lubrication, moisturisation and a blade sharper than Mrs Guru's most effective put-downs. Guru heartily recommends subscribing to Cornerstone (£30 a pop), a shaving system that provides all of these things either on a regular basis or on-demand.
You get a purple-black exfoliating face wash full of volcanic sand (which looks inappropriate when smeared all over one's face), a squeezy tube of fine-smelling shave gel, and a slightly less-fragrant moisturising balm. You also get a nifty aluminium handle with your initials on it and, most importantly, Cornerstone will keep you stocked with German-engineered, precision-ground razor heads, the likes of which Guru has never seen on the high street. Brilliant.
Once you're kitted up, do it the right way. Shave with the grain, however tempting it might be to go against it, unless you like having unsightly pink lumps on your face. Take as few strokes as possible (oo-er). Shave with a hot face, and wash it with cold water afterwards. Avoid sculpting nu-metal minibeards or hip moustaches.
Where do you stand on virtual reality, GaGu?
D'ya know what? GaGu was properly excited for the new wave of virtual reality (VR). And now he's excited for the next wave. And here's why: it's ever-so-slightly not ready yet. Don't be fooled by this guarded negativity, mind. Today's VR is a brilliant quantum leap ahead of the Commodore Amiga-powered Virtuality machine from the Nineties. Guru once spent a fiver for a go on one in olden-days Weston-super-Mare, losing his candy floss and fish 'n' chips seconds after.
You should put VR as it is now in the same category as the first wave of smartphones: technically, yes, they were smartphones, but a decade later those quirky, buggy phones have matured into something awesome and ubiquitous. VR – proper VR – now needs that time to find itself. It needs to wear some ill-advised dreadlocks and spend a virtual gap year in Thailand.
Take HTC's Vive (£689), the platform Guru has spent the longest inside. The lenses and screen have erased many of the common headset issues of recent years. Guru even manages to keep his lunch down. There's some freedom of movement – albeit in a limited space – making everything far more interactive. The controllers, despite looking like they came from a miniature digital quidditch set, work fantastically in their context. But it's that context that's the problem.
VR currently has us trapped, tethered to utterly awkward cables and using it only within the confines of mildly titillating mini-games. Proper movement, beyond the Vive's hurl-yourself- a-few-feet teleport mechanic, isn't there; where Guru has tried jaunting around with a gamepad, it's disorienting and unsettling, like a stiff drink after a trip to the dentist.
And then there's the bounding box effect, where Guru imagines holographic walls all around him in real life after extended periods in-game. It's not uncommon, as those who've had Tetris dreams will attest, but it's proof that we as a species, like the technology we create, need a little hacking to be truly ready for the future.
Can you help me get HDMI on my old projector?
Standards, eh? Who'd have them? Now, Guru guesses that your projector only has a 15-pin VGA input. If so, no matter how hard you mash it, an HDMI cable isn't going in there. Hooray, though, for the easy option: an HDMI-to-VGA converter, which should set you back just a few pounds on Amazon. It'll work, sort of. But if the device you're plugging in demands compatibility with the infuriating HDCP copy-protection standard, as most do, it won't. Of course it won't. After all, why should you be allowed to plug a thing you own into another thing you own? You're awful and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Anyway. GaGu knows the solution, but it ain't cheap: an HDfury 4S (£273). HDCP-compliant and able to deal with anything up to 1080p (and even 3D), plug your HDMI source into one end and it'll strip out that copy protection and output exactly what your projector wants at the other end. Studios, naturally, aren't keen, but don't let that stop you. Stick it to the man!
Can a robot clean my windows?
GaGu enslaves a Roomba to smear the cat sick all over his carpets, and the Robomow does a good job of mashing up his lawn – so this is something he's certainly considered. The eldest Guru child, eager to descend the ladder and put down the squeegee at least once this season, shouted down to suggest the WINBOT W730 (£189), which, if nothing else, has an excellent name.
It comes with a bungee cord thanks to its tendency to fall off windows, which is probably all you need to know. Check out the Amazon reviews (“On the plus side, it didn't break any glass”) for the reactions of saps who've already bought one. In short: you can get a robot to clean your windows, but you're better off with a small human.
How can I get faster on the footy pitch?
Football-boot tech has been a weak spot for Guru since the school bullies stomped on him with their Adidas Predators – but let's give this one a go.
New Balance has just fired out the Furon 2.0 (£120), a new edition of its classic boot with enhancements like a hybrid mesh upper, a “Galaxy Sprint Spike-inspired collar” and flashback-inducing ultra-directional studs, all designed to give you extra pace.
Guru reckons you'll still need capable pins, though. Train for speed (with sprinting drills) and endurance (less frequently) to help your body get used to removing lactic acid from your worn muscles. You need to work hard to play well. Bit of philosophy there!
What's the best kitchen knife?
Ceramic edges are tempting, and they're certainly damn sharp out of the shop, but they're quickly dulled and impossible to self-sharpen. Stainless steel is pretty and easy to care for. But if you can find a blade in carbon steel, and will give it proper love, you're away.
Guru isn't going to recommend any specific knives, both because he's been strongly advised by his lawyer not to enter into such discussions, and because your taste in knives is a very personal thing. So get out there, put them in your hand, and don't skimp on the cash. Finer, pricier knives will be better hardened and better edged, and could therefore last you three decades.