Samsung Solid

Smack it, drown it, chuck it and bury it. Hard it may be, but how does it rate as a phone?

Sammy's first flirtation into the ultra durable market (insert smutty pun here), is clearly not about looks. Encased in thick rubber, it looks more like a back alley weapon than a phone. Keeping with the basic theme, the screen is tiny and although the keys are a fair size, reaction time is similar to my gran on a go-kart track after six gin and tonics. Unlocking the phone is a nightmare, leave it in a cement mixer overnight and you may be lucky enough to send a text to a mate.

Features are, well...sparse. Bluetooth, FM radio, and 0.3 megapixel camera. Does that even qualify as a camera? Hmm, pictures are grainy, but then again there are only so many pictures you can take of a brick. Or a slab. Or a shovel.

A puny camera does have its plus points. Juice on this beast lasts for as long as it takes to reconstruct the Great Wall of China. This blower can last for weeks (OK maybe days).

Other nifty bits include the 3 touch SOS message on the side and...wait for it...a torch. We wouldn't trust it to guide us safely through the Rockies in the dark, but it'll find your keys in your toolbox (the metallic one).

If you're name's Bob, Evil or Tenzing, this blower's a dream. For us "I'm allergic to dirt" pansies, chucking the phone against the wall and stamping on it is basically what we'd use it for. Oh, and lobbing it at the white van man after being cut off. Ha.