There's no easy way to say this: this gadget takes the functions of a fitness tracker and puts them in a sex toy. Thankfully, you can't read your text messages on it.
The gentleman puts Lovely – for that's its name – around the base of his appendage. It monitors his body movements during sex and sends the data to the accompanying app. He can then look back over how many calories he burned during the act, as well as other stats like his duration, force, and even top speed (we're not making this up). The app will also suggest other positions to try – there's a library of 120 to get through.
It's made of medical-grade silicone, and stretches to fit all sizes. It vibrates, and promises to "enable both of you to feel a lot more for a lot longer". Read into that what you will.
The more you use it, the more it gets to know you. It then offers suggestions tailored to you based on the data it's gathered. Examples include: "Next time have a slightly longer foreplay and start the intercourse with '69' position." (We would count 69 as foreplay rather than intercourse, but let's not quibble.) And: "Hi Greg! You did great last time and seems that Ann really enjoys that '69'. Here are some suggestions for more oral stimulation..."
(We don't know why it's obsessed with 69ing.)
Do we really need to pore over every detail of our performance in the bedroom? Have we reached the point where it feels as if something hasn't happened unless we can plot it on a chart afterwards? And how can you reduce something as intimate as sex to a few stats? The whole thing seems a bad idea.
And why is it only for men? What about women? Having said that, if any woman came at us wearing the female equivalent, we'd make our excuses and leave.
It's had a bit of a limp start, raising just over $4,000 on Indiegogo, and has 33 days to reach its $95,000 goal.