Tech films we would love to see made

Last year's cinematic hit The Social Network, starring Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake, went down a storm with audiences across the globe. But forget geeks suing each other. Here are the tech-based films we really want to see...

 

The Social Network, the 2010 movie depicting the rise of Mark Zuckerberg’s popular social networking website Facebook, is basically a story about a bunch of ugly men who find themselves embroiled in a boring, albeit pretty expensive, lawsuit.

 

Yet it's grossed over $200m and Justin Timberlake, who plays the charming Sean Parker, has even purchased a stake in rival social network MySpace. Imagine then what the following films, which are both tech-based AND exciting – might earn. Mister Spielberg, we’re waiting for your call; we think you’ll find our monetary demands are more than reasonable.

 

1/ Pay as you go… to your grave!

College wild-child Jessie (Lindsay Lohan) and her shy cousin Erica (Miley Cyrus) are holidaying in a remote woodland cabin, when they’re kidnapped by masked men. Blindfolded and left for dead in the wilderness, their cries for help go unheard. Worse still, they used all their mobile credit texting each other. Their only hope of escape is Google Maps Navigation. Will the GPS signal hold out? Will their batteries last? Their lives depend on it.

 

2/ Long Play

It’s 1975: Yoshihiro Tanaka (Matt Damon) is the undercover JVC operative charged with usurping Sony’s revolutionary, top secret new home video cassette player, known only as the Betamax. In this white knuckle espionage thriller, Tanaka battles for the right to change the way we watch movies forever, before a late plot twist sees everything destroyed as the machine’s eaten the tape – you see? We told you you shouldn’t have used long-play mode with those cheap cassettes from the market.

 

3/ Shazam-Man

Tobey Maguire stars as a reclusive twentysomething with an extraordinary gift: after being bitten by a radioactive Paul Gambaccini he can commit entire songs to memory after only one hearing. After bravely conquering his agoraphobia, he prepares to take on the ultimate challenge: besting the world’s deadliest music guessing database in a thrilling showdown. It’s Rocky meets Rainman; it’s man vs app. Shazam-man!

 

4/ Mmorpg: Earth

Earth becomes, quite literally, a “World of Warcraft” when a strange tropical storm strikes Blizzard HQ, releasing the video game characters and their ancient feuds onto the streets of LA. Powerless to intervene, their weapons futile against the deadly Azerothian spells and potions, the US government turns to the only men who can stop them. Ten ponytailed warriors, the arena team known as “Raging Horde On”, leave their basement for the command centre in a bid to save the world. Michael Bay directs. Badly.

 

5/ The Phone Collector

A sadistic serial killer is on the loose in New York City. His sickening quest: to collect every Nokia handset ever released. Whenever he hears the distinctive Gran Vals ringtone, he hunts the handset owner down and beats them to death with their own brick-like device. After a brutal spree claiming 3210 owners to N97 Mini loyalists, he’s just one short of the complete set, needing only 1985’s elusive M2. Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie reprise their roles in The Bone Collector, a film you probably haven’t seen that has a broadly similar plot to this one, reuniting to crack one last (water-resistant, scuff-protective) case.

 

6/ Twilight: #Vamps

Teen heartthrobs @EdwardVamp and @JacobWolf roam the earth, their secret curses keeping them forever fair of face and large of hair. As the supernatural pair vie for the attentions of young temptress Bella they must woo her only using utterances of 140 characters or less. Packed full of terrible dialogue, poor acting and with no discernible character development… it’s the best Twilight movie yet. Zing!

 

7/ Googled

Imagine if a multi-billion-dollar corporation knew where you lived, had access to every number in your phone, could read your every email, track where you are at all times and send cameras to film your house? Oscar winner Michael Moore writes, directs and fills the frame as he probes the ugly rear-end of the Google Nation.

 

8/ The Chen identity

You know Jason Bourne: amnesiac, top-secret, black-ops agent. Now meet Jason Chen: non-amnesiac, more-obscure-than-secret, gadget-based black-ops blogger. When Chen (Jack Black) is offered the ultimate tech exclusive, an under-the-table look at the new iPhone 5, he grabs it with both hands. But when the police smash down his door and seize his stuff, Chen is forced to go on the run, stalked by Apple’s private army of secret drones that trace his every login…

 

9/ I know your Face(book)

When her former high-school sweetheart Tim (Mickey Rourke) posts suggestive comments on her Facebook wall, married mother-of-two Zooey (Reece Witherspoon) decides the time has come to delete him as a friend and change her relationship status to “very married” before things get awkward. But when she sees Tim has added her teenage daughter as a friend and invited her to his Farmville, she realises her social networking nightmare has only just begun…

 

10/ Click

Adam Sandler discovers his universal remote can be used to control people, events and the fabric of time itself. He soon puts it to use – with hilarious consequen– oh, hang on; this ludicrous film idea has actually already been made.

 

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