Tech can't fix it
Technology can solve any conundrum, right? Wrong. It almost goes without saying that gadgets can’t bring about world peace or rectify our current, deepening economic crisis, but there are also other, more pressing issues that it singularly fails to address.
Why is there never anything good on TV? How do we get lost despite possessing a sat-nav and having Google Maps on every device we own?
Do the robot
Mankind has long dreamed of sex with robots, although we're worried about the possibility of hard drive failure during congress with a droid - it might seize up and clutch on to you, ultimately having to be removed with a welding torch. But why does everything have to be about sex? We're sure ladies in particular would prefer some kind of "relationship droid", programmed to issue compliments about clothing and express its innermost feelings at least twice a day.
Viewers: why trawl through channel after channel of pap searching for a show you might like? A truly smart EPG would learn to pick out only the shows you desire. Thus, if you watched Top Gear more than twice, it'd never let you switch over from Dave, unless it detected a programme on another channel that featured a host clad in stonewash denim.
Don't drink and type
Picture this nightmare scenario: you wake up with a hangover and open your email or SMS sent folder to discover a message to your boss that ends: "...and another thing, I could do your job with my eyes closed, darling." A simple brethalysing tube to blow into on your computer or phone could end this misery today.
Don't fear the reaper
Tech can keep us healthy, but where's the cure for death? If we could simply reboot in the event of death, we'd be able to phone work and say, "Sorry, can't come in today, I've died. I'll be fine tomorrow, though."
Facebook second life
It can be tiring keeping up appearances on Facebook, MySpace, Bebo et al, having to talk to friends of friends who you once met in Asda and weeding out photographs of yourself tagged with the phrase "drunken moron". What we need is a Facebook bot that will make up a list of exciting hobbies and activities for you, reply to pokes with cheery missives about your perfect life - "Hey chap, just back from the Algarve, off to the gym now, speak soon!" - and buff all your photos to perfection, removing bags from eyes and stains from trousers without you ever having to waste time actually logging on.
Whether you're strapping electrodes to your beer belly or wobbling about on a PowerPlate, "low-effort" keep-fit devices still involve doing something you hate. What you need is a machine that will hypnotize you into actually enjoying running, jumping and all that healthy stuff.
Reality TV is a scourge, populated by shrill subhumans with the self-regard of Victoria Beckham and the interpersonal skills of Hitler. Let's banish these tools to a celeb culture equivalent of Second Life or World of Warcraft. The wannabes could busy themselves, hanging out in virtual nightclubs, voting each other out of virtual houses and killing each other with Level Six Blood Axes, while the rest of us get on with our actual lives...
Problems we never want solved
Technology can go too far. Anything that "helps" us to "work" more "efficiently" is not welcome here. The weather could one day be fixed and controlled, but then what would we Brits talk about? And finally, we wouldn't want to see heartbreak "cured", because without it, what would we do with all the country music?
Satnavs were meant to make our lives more stress-free, guiding us to our destinations with laser-like accuracy. Instead, they all too often leave us weeping with frustration, having gone through Leeds city centre for the third time as the satnav barks at us to, "Turn around where possible". Our solution: a satnav that releases a dose of laughing gas every time you take the wrong turning - you'd be happier than a cabbie who's just picked up the minister for immigration.
We want a Ramsay-Droid that whips up a fricasee of partridge whilst barking synthesised expletives. We want a Delia-o-bot that microwaves precooked mash and shows the "correct" way to make toast. We want them now.
The worst tech predictions
Proof that not everyone can be a tech Nastradamus.
- Click here for some of the worst tech predictions