It's that time again when Mr Zuckerberg gives his social networking website a tidy up re-designing the Timeline to make it easier to digest information and rolling out the new Graph Search which will help you find information on your FB friends quicker than ever before.
The changes are aimed at helping users express what is most important to them which as Facebookers will know are not necessarily always that interesting to us. Gym-lovers, TV show spoilers and Bored.com updaters aside, here's 10 Facebook status updates that we hope don't increase in volume.
1. Drink O’ Clock
A solitary cocktail glass sits alone on a bar table most likely filled to the frosty brim most likely with a concoction of schnapps, vodka, and more exotic spirits accompanied by the words ‘This is not going to end well...’. This is then almost always followed by a status the following morning which reads ‘Never drinking that much again’ until another cocktail photo turns up at about 6pm.
2. See my roast
Whether it's a Sunday afternoon, Christmas Day or Easter Sunday, be prepared to see your feed to turn into a menu from a cafe that hasn't updated its photos since the 70s. Meat and veg slapped onto a plate with the proud message 'Just about to tuck into this' is not really accomplishment; however, if you manage to rustle up a gastronomic feast that involves dry ice and a blowtorch we might just be willing to give it a Like.
3. I’m going on holiday. Have you heard?
This can often be a long term project. There’s the initial ‘all booked up’ status followed by the almost daily countdown which can last for months and then, just in case nobody has noticed you are leaving on a jet plane, why not throw up a screenshot from a weather app with a nice long row of sunshine icons?
4. ‘Finally, we’ve arrived – at Terminal 3, Heathrow Airport’
Just when you think the holiday-related updates have come to an end, you realise there are the ‘in the airport’ ones still to come. These include such favourites as the “I just panicked that I’d forgotten my passport, but I didn’t” status, to “should I buy Starburst or Fruit Gums?” and our personal favourite: “Turning to Airplane Mode now peeps, see you in eight hours!” No wait, don’t go!
5. Bloody commute!!!
'Stuck on the M25. Again. Grrr’. It wouldn’t be Facebook if you weren’t notified about every delay on the train or traffic jam that occurs during your journey to work. Of course we all know that you’re really just still in bed rather than actually having a Michael Douglas in Falling Down moment, seeing as we’re also on the M25 and, funnily enough, for once it’s moving along just fine.
6. A wise person once said…
Whether it’s Confucius, Ghandi or Bobby McFerrin, there’s no better way to let everyone know you harbour a deep well of inner misery, confusion and loneliness than by constantly posting the words of dead philosophers that you’ve found on the internet, like a mobile version of David Brent. Score extra Facebook pest points if you post the words over a picture of a sunset. There’s an easy way to spot these pocket philosophers, they usually have a picture of a waterfall on their office PC background, to remind them of the free spirit they used to be.
7. I can’t get no sleep
Suffering from insomnia? Maybe you should turn on your laptop or awaken your smartphone and let everyone know about it. There is a problem with that logic though as everyone else will be tucked up in bed not looking at a computer or waiting for you status updates to come through at three in the morning. And if they tag you in the post, well that is just asking for trouble.
8. I’m sick, honestly
Nobody likes being ill. Similarly, nobody likes to hear about other people being sick, in terrifying detail. This includes documenting that you’ve had a runny nose for days, the colour of the stuff running out of that nose, pictures of the tissue with the runny stuff on it, photos of all your medicines lined up on the bedside table and endless updates about your capability to breathe. We can only pray the illness spreads to your fingers, and soon.
9. Living for the weekend
You know the people we are talking about, the ones who spend Monday at their desk with their head in their hands, their face a pale shade of green, then come Tuesday morning they’re already counting down the days until the weekend. They’re usually the same sort of people who use the abomination that is the word “bestie” to describe all four of their friends. “Only 82 hours until beer o’clock with my bestie!” Shudder.
10. Like this and this and this…
“Today is (insert campaign/cause/anniversary) so Like this and show your support” You will not legalise speed if a thousand people like your post, Facebook do not have a legal obligation to change back to the old design if you share a picture a million times and, this just in from a top doctor, apparently liking a post 10 million times isn’t quite managing to rid the world of cancer. There’s only one thing for it… Quick, click harder!