At this special time of year we ask you to don your paper hats and join us in tales of binge eating, suicidal drinking and hitting kids in the face. As we prepare to manically race around for Christmas gifts, we look ahead to the tech things you'll most certainly be indluging in this festive period.
Expect most of the following to happen in the coming month...
1. Hit kids with Wii controllers
For the rest of the year you feed your gaming addiction in private, communicating only with your online troops via headsets. So when on December 25 you’re encouraged to play on the Wii with your nephew, is it any wonder that you serve the controller into his fresh, pudgy, little face? And why does your sister seem upset when you do the sprinkler dance over his sobbing, prostrate form? It’s the only way he’ll learn…
2. Send e-cards
It’s Boxing Day, and your swollen torso, soundly stuffed with Stilton and port, has been downgraded from explosive to merely uncomfortable, when you realise you forgot to send your nan a Christmas card. You waddle, guilt-wracked to the computer and try to find an animation that doesn’t scream “I forgot about you”. Settling on a festive dancing giraffe you click send and retire to the living room for a celebratory brandy. Then you remember that your nan doesn’t actually own a computer… Oh well.
3. Listen to music while you eat
You’ve been in control of the Christmas dinner playlist since you got your first iPod nearly a decade ago. The art of perfecting the mood to keep festive spirits up and prevent family feuds is a complex one. Cue a stressed you kneeling in front of the B&W Zeppelin, deliberating over whether The Pogues should follow Mogwai as crackers are pulled and the gravy starts to congeal around the Brussels sprouts.
4. Text everyone in your phonebook
“Happy Xmas all! Hope you find love and happiness with your nearest and dearest! Eat, drink (lots) and be merry!” How thoughtful of you; the laundrette, your local Domino’s, your ex and your plumber will be deeply touched.