10 Tech Things... you only do at Xmas

It's Christmas countdown time and whether you're in the spirit or trying to ignore the festivities completely, here's the tech things that you will most certainly only do this Christmas...    

At this special time of year we ask you to don your paper hats and join us in tales of binge eating, suicidal drinking and hitting kids in the face. As we prepare to manically race around for Christmas gifts, we look ahead to the tech things you'll most certainly be indluging in this festive period.

 

Expect most of the following to happen in the coming month...

 

1. Hit kids with Wii controllers

For the rest of the year you feed your gaming addiction in private, communicating only with your online troops via headsets. So when on December 25 you’re encouraged to play on the Wii with your nephew, is it any wonder that you serve the controller into his fresh, pudgy, little face? And why does your sister seem upset when you do the sprinkler dance over his sobbing, prostrate form? It’s the only way he’ll learn…
 


2. Send e-cards

It’s Boxing Day, and your swollen torso, soundly stuffed with Stilton and port, has been downgraded from explosive to merely uncomfortable, when you realise you forgot to send your nan a Christmas card. You waddle, guilt-wracked to the computer and try to find an animation that doesn’t scream “I forgot about you”. Settling on a festive dancing giraffe you click send and retire to the living room for a celebratory brandy. Then you remember that your nan doesn’t actually own a computer… Oh well.



3. Listen to music while you eat

You’ve been in control of the Christmas dinner playlist since you got your first iPod nearly a decade ago. The art of perfecting the mood to keep festive spirits up and prevent family feuds is a complex one. Cue a stressed you kneeling in front of the B&W Zeppelin, deliberating over whether The Pogues should follow Mogwai as crackers are pulled and the gravy starts to congeal around the Brussels sprouts.



4. Text everyone in your phonebook

“Happy Xmas all! Hope you find love and happiness with your nearest and dearest! Eat, drink (lots) and be merry!” How thoughtful of you; the laundrette, your local Domino’s, your ex and your plumber will be deeply touched.

 

5. Cook something for more than two hours

You lavish more care and attention on caressing, smearing, stuffing and basting a bird at Christmas than you would do over trivial matters such as, say, filling in your tax return (you did remember to do that, didn’t you?). You’re even willing to shell out for a meat thermometer to check that the fowl’s innards are exactly 84.7ºC. Well, best to be sure; you’re gonna be eating it for the next two weeks, after all.



6. Watch films with Chevy Chase in them

Ah Chevy. Thirty years ago he had the world at his feet, but every time you watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation you get a little bit more bemused at why this sentient smirk, this wise-cracking WASP of military-grade smugness, ever made it big. You still watch it though, because you like the bit where the cat gets electrocuted.



7. Download a budgeting app

You have December all worked out on your snazzy new app. You’ve budgeted £200 for presents, £300 on going out, £150 on travel, £100 on that new jacket, and the rest for bills, rent and food. Come December 4 you’ll wake up from a two-day egg-nog binge to find a receipt in your pocket for an iPad Air 2 and “Cristal x2 @ £400” and you’ll have lost your phone. Still, at least the app was free…



8. Use your chainsaw

Every year you buy the biggest tree from the fingerless-gloved man outside your local train station, seemingly forgetting that you don’t have 20-foot ceilings. Faced with the reality of your less than palatial abode you have no choice but to invest in a top of the range Husqvarna chainsaw. Balancing the offending fir’s trunk on the sofa arm you’re ready to chop wood. Careful: it’s hard to carve a turkey with only one hand.



9. Take photos inside your office

Those unlucky enough to have their office Christmas party actually in the office will know that seeing your place of work in a photo, no matter how good the camera, makes it look a thousand times more grey and depressing than it actually is. If you’re in a paper hat, holding a plastic beaker of warm Cava, the bleakness is compounded. Want to thank us for all our hard work over the year, boss? Then let us hire a room above a pub. Even just letting us go home would be preferable, in fact.

 

10. Boil wine

Mmm… So you’ve taken my best bottle of Barolo, boiled it with what appears to be bits of wood and the satsumas from the bottom of the kids’ stockings. It smells like a Glade plug-in and you’ve ruined all the saucepans. Cheers!


Find more Christmas articles on XmasRadar. Supported by LG.

 

Comments

Be the first to comment…

Back to top
Close
T3 Newsletter
Sign up to recieve the T3 newsletters by entering your details below

Your Details

As you're registering with us. we'd like to think that you'd enjoy receiving the following emails; if you'd rather not receive them, please untick the boxes:

I would like to receive other emails from T3, Future Publishing Limited and it's group companies containing news, special offers and product information
I agree to the terms of use and privacy policy and confirm that I am over 16 years of age *
Close
Log in or Join

By clicking below you agree to our terms and conditions and our privacy policy

Log in to T3.com with your preferred social network

Log in with your T3.com account

CloseJoinPlease complete these additional details

Join T3.com with your preferred social network

OR

Join T3.com

Please tick this box to confirm you are 16 years old or over

Just so we know you're human

Newsletters

I would like to receive T3 email newsletters, packed full of the latest tech news, competitions and exclusive offers.

I would like to receive other emails from T3, Future Publishing Limited and its group companies containing news, special offers and product information.

I would like to receive offers from carefully selected third Parties. We will not share your data with the third party.

Close Edit your profile

Change your password

Newsletters

I would like to receive T3 email newsletters, packed full of the latest tech news, competitions and exclusive offers.

I would like to receive other emails from T3, Future Publishing Limited and its group companies containing news, special offers and product information.

I would like to receive offers from carefully selected third Parties. We will not share your data with the third party.

Social networks

You have authorised these social networks to interact with your T3.com account.

Please ensure you deactivate or revoke access to this website from within your social networks settings to ensure all permissions are removed.

Close Forgotten your password

Forgotten your password?

Please enter the email address that you used to sign up and we'll send you a new password

Close
Forgotten password
Don't have a T3 Account? Join now