“Hey, I’ve got an app for that!” That’s what Apple iPhone 4 users say at least 20 times a day and Android users six to seven times a day. Nokia and Palm users? They don’t talk so much. But how much more frequent would these exclamations be if these fondly imagined apps existed…

See below for the 10 Apps we wish existed

1/ Twitticism
Keeping up with the level of wry wit generated by your tweeting peers can be tricky. This app would access the reams of quotes available online from noted wits such as Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker and John Major, then generate 140 droll characters on the topical theme of your choice. For instance: “Those MPs are like the unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible,” “the only thing worse than being on a TV talent show is not being on a TV talent show,” etc.

2/  Morgan be gone
Detects possible exposure to Piers Morgan on TV or online, shutting down web pages or using your phone’s Wi-Fi to deactivate your telly.

3/  Londoner’s Eye
Uses Google Maps and yell.com data to calculate whether a town is likely to be attractive to well-off Londoners. Thus, if the number of tattoo and body-piercing parlours, Army recruitment offices and sportswear stores per square mile is found to be unacceptable, a large skull and crossbones wearing a hoodie is displayed, warning suburbanites to keep away. The presence of multiple cheese shops, farmers’ markets and anything with the word “artisan” in It, by contrast, brings up a large smiley face.

4/ CCTV Hacker
Fun aplenty could be had from an app that gives access to live feeds from any of the 4.2 million security cams in the UK. Like TV channel surfing but with more drunk tramps and shoplifting.

5/ “Working from home”
The app equivalent of propping a cardboard cut-out of yourself at your desk. Should the office email, this would send out vague but helpful-sounding replies such as “sounds good, let’s meet about it tomorrow,” while you catch up with some sleep or shopping.

6/ Singleton’s Radar
Take a Facebook-like database of single folk, add location services and augmented reality and you’d have the ultimate dating aid. Scan the bar, railway station or wherever you happen to be with your phone’s camera, and unattached and/or available members of the clientele will be highlighted with a big red arrow. Icons could denote how discreet they require you to be, and What their “interests” are.

7/ Charity Avoider
Makes your phone ring as if someone important Is calling you as soon as you come within guilt-trip range of a dingbat in a red vest holding A clipboard or jangling a bucket of change.

8/ Get Out!
Another location-based app, this would detect anywhere that could be described as undesirable but occasionally tempting and make the sound Of 1,000 vuvuzelas until you exit. Let’s say Starbucks, subway or your local illicit all-night booze store at 3am on a Tuesday, for instance.

9/ Pintpuller
Going one better than the many apps that find Pubs in your vicinity, pintpuller will alert your Chosen bar to your arrival, so staff can dutifully Discant your favoured tipple in advance.

10 /Miyagi’s Healing Hands
Programming the mystical powers of the martial arts in an app would put an end to the pain of urban injuries. Launch it, and the screen transforms into a glowing white block of incredible, healing heat. Apply to wounds for instant relief.